Days feel harder, nights go longer. On the jounrey to Pulau Ubin with sir and 4 other boys. I thought am I silly or what to take leave to work again? This year my leaves have never been for my own rest and enjoyment. Have I crossed my limit?

It’s harder to press on now, the vision seems alittle blurred and faith goes missing. Catch back the fire! Come on! I’d try to encourage myself. It’s a season you see, a season to hold on and keep walking even though times are tough. Take it slow if I can’t go fast, if only I don’t stop. Keep keeping on. Come on!

…

I am so blown away! It’s awesome! I’ve like come to a point where I see my harvest and currently reaping the fruits. All the keeping on and hard works, they are so worthwhile. This is the joy that has set before me! Wow! How awesome are You God, praise to be the Lord!

Yesterday zhengxun opened up his heart, gave his heart to You and invited You into his life. This is actually the first time I led someone in a sinner’s prayer. Awesome! Hahaa. Many wonders are happening, things are happening. I prayed, God moved and tzehan is able to go for the camp, clyde started to put into practice what I’ve always been challenging him to do, precision drill is progressing with the creativity of moves, zhengxun is coming back for service this week, we are able to have our stay overnight at pulau ubin and God poured out His creativity that I can came out with brilliant logos for my company Spreeads! Wow wow wow! God indeed is fighting for me! I’ll keep on trusting in You and see Your kingdom come and Your will be done! Woohoo!!~ Praises to be the Lord! Come on!!

Total commitment is something not easy to inspire upon. It is not given, not placed upon, not tasked but one that is self-realized, decided and giving, giving of time, giving of strength, giving of what that stands in the way. Not easy really …

I believe inspiring, impacting and influencing still need to take place and it’s necessary and vital. Nothing would even happen if there’s nothing of such. First of all it requires total commitment to inspire total commitment and it requires a step at a time. Patient is the key and knowing also that you don’t and can’t control their lives, so stop worrying but step in to inspire, impact and influence when the opportunity arise. I pray for the spirit of discernment as well to know the limits and capacity of the people I’m working on and to show love and concern when necessary. Over challenging them will only result in resistance and backsliding of their commitments.

I love those people God has entrusted to me and my joy is really seeing them rising up, growing as a shining light for all to see. For those unbelievers, my greatest joy is for them to come into the knowlegde of Christ and receive Him into their hearts. I don’t know why so much I wanted but it just burn in me and I just know they will have hope in Christ. Nothing beats this commitment I have. Let Your kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven, O Lord …

I pray for love and joy for they are my strength. Help me run this race when at times committing to run for those who couldn’t run for themselves and having also to bear their attitudes is really tearing my flesh apart, nevertheless I know You will provide the way for me, all praises to God.

Many times we add on unnecessary concerns unto our shoulder and often weight us down; unable to lift ourselves up, burdensome and letargic.

I do that and realizing slowly to let go of some unnecessary weight. Sometimes we worry for people, showed our concern and later realized that they don’t even put it to heart so what makes us worry for them? Throw away! Get rid of this excess weight! They are responsible for their life, care for them but don’t worry for them. Even if I can’t help as it is written, do not be anxious of anything but everything in supplication and thanksgiving making our request make known to God. Talk to Him man, I must do it. Jiayou!!

I love Boys Like Girls song, ‘Go’. The first line says, “Little change of a heart, little light in the dark.” what I received from these is when we change our heart it brings light to our situation. And I also change it this way, “a little change of the heart needs little light in the dark.”

Many times we can’t explain things that are happening around us especially in terms of relationships, it’s two ways but even when we think we are the one often giving into the relationship, God wants us to love one another, bearing the cross. Sometimes I’d think why this person has treat me this way and why that person will react to me in that way. A change of their hearts at times hurt me and what I can say is I’m imperfect, we are imperfect. In times like this a little light is needed in the dark, encouragement and comfort.

Psalms 73:25-26
“Whom have I in heaven but You? I desire You more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.

Lord, it’s yet another storm ahead. I thought I’ve just got back up but it seems like it’s never ending, gonna catch my breathe. It’s running against time, against the odds, against the attitudes of people, against the circumstances but You said bear the cross and I said yes! I am! It hurts though, disappointed by my loved ones but you said love them as myself, give even when I don’t receive, give without condition and yes I am trying. It’s like tearing my flesh with every step I take.

I remember, naked I’ve come naked I’ll return, You give and you’ll take away. Counting all a blessing, praise be to God! Be with me, lead me through …

Have been walking through a time of strugglings and fighting of emotions. Thinking about the journey, I’m just lost for words; I don’t know how to describe it. I’d given up on all that I’ve hold on, putting them aside and doing what (actually my flesh) enjoy. I think at that point of time I’ve lost hope in God and find everything troublesome and meaningless beyond description; like chasing wind. I rehearsed my troubles, pains, hurts and disappointments and getting upset with God. Sinking into depression and finding myself struggling at work, no motivation, no creativity, nothing. Without the reverence of God usually we will sin against Him (willfully) and yes I did. Tempted not to attend cg as well but thank God for reminding me the prayer I made before to stay in His house forever and it gave me strength to drag myself there.

Thank God for His grace indeed it’s sufficient for us. Pastor Kong shares a great message that week that blown me away making my heart sink and soften there was when God healed me. It happened just like that, after service I felt a peace. I thought, wow, how did Job did it? I felt so bad comparing to him but was comforted as he is one of the most righteous man ever live but he had taught me something valuable - patient endurance and (after last week I’ve learnt) without wanting to find out every reasons and explanation but merely trusting God.

I like it when he say, “naked I’ve come I to this world, naked I’ll go. The Lord give and take away. Praise the name of the Lord!” (my own version) Though I failed but God’s righteous right hand will uphold me and I just have to keep on keeping on. Out of the fire, make me stronger.

Guess I’ve had enough, like a balloon loses its air. Enough of the battling and fighting of flesh. Enough of the self-encouragement and motivation. Enough of the trusting and walking in faith. Enough of the walking alone and talking to myself and by faith with God. Enough of these wrestling. Enough.

Life has becoming a nonsense, an empty nut shell where you can hear your own echoes, who cares. It has become a duty where it just can’t help but to give. Give and you shall receive. Yeah, I tried but what can I do, just feel empty. Think about it just makes me feel tired. Where have I lost my axe? Clueless.

Angry at myself and I feel God must be disappointed as well. Not sure now. Lost. Ah!