Being an inspiration, impacting and influencing others (especially the youths) has been my desire but times and times again I have to face reality, which often is so saddening. It’s never easy unless you are doing it in your comfort zone which in most cases, that’s not inspiring to start with.

First of all, there’s definitely sacrifices to be made .. for me was the friendship I have to sacrifice. Being among the youths has pull me away from my own age group friends and usually I would felt left out. We are definitely the one giving when it comes to being with the youths and they will not come to you, needless to say giving anything to you. On top of that, you are pulled away from your friends in your age group and definitely we wouldn’t be close any more so needless to say they wouldn’t give you anything as well.

It’s saddening to feel battling alone this race of reconciliation and I’m sick of verbal companions, as if it helps .. been through a tough season and knowing that we human beings are bunch of selfish people who cares for themselves first. I’ve left with nothing that I know who are the closest to me and would help in times of need, whom I’ve neglected while trying to be a blessing. That person is my mum .. the one always supporting me and would sacrifice anything for me.

Have really been thinking alot recently .. and I’ve lost my senses and judgement and have been insensitive to the Holy Spirit. The reality has affected me so much that I’ve lost the faith I have. What can I do when the reality shows that I’ve been failed again and again, where is Him and how long more shall I bare? Will it come to pass?So far no .. in terms of finances and friends. Have I been teachable? Maybe not .. maybe this is why I’m “resetting” now.

I’ve stop trusting anyone but my mum though .. have tried too hard being an ambassador for God trying to reconcile them back to Him. Really tired of intervene for them and always thinking and planning for them. Whether they wanna come, what they wanna do, I don’t care now. They have their deal responsibilities .. I have given my best for them in return of putting the rest of my best in struggling in my life I don’t think it works this way. I wanna be responsible to my life first just like some leaders who neglect being with their followers and care for themselves first. As followers, sometimes we work and stand in the gap for them .. how silly. Feel so sad when people make use of fellow brothers and sisters in Christ just because we understand the Word. First as a leader you should be the example before discipling us.

Need some time to get back up .. I always remember the prayer I’ve made, “one thing I ask, that I’ll never leave the house of God.” You know I love You through the cares I have for them but give me some time .. forgive my debts as I forgive my debtors, Lord ..

Blog ah blog .. thanks for being company every time I feel down :) Don’t know why also I’d always like to blog things that are not so good. Hahaa! Ah, maybe I just wanna relieve myself, like destressing you know; complain it out :)

Anyway, time’s bad. Past few days have been horrible. Feeling really discouraged and tired, don’t feel like doing anything. Everything seems to stop, every area seems to slow down and not moving forward. Is it so requiring of me or have I elevate myself trying to push things to happen? I started to doubt and ask myself, have I tried too hard? Have I neglected myself? I find it difficult to accept at times when others are enjoying and I’m trying so hard to make things happen. Yes! It is, “what is it to me I follow You right?” I don’t know, I still a human after all and I’ve been holding on to my best know if not I wouldn’t have come this far.

Everything’s falling apart again .. actually I’ve kind of regreted to start Spreeads when I know that I don’t have this capacity now to contain. It’s so hard on me, I just can’t breakthrough not just in mindset but .. I don’t know. it seems like I don’t really enjoy doing what I’m doing now. Frustrating, indeed. Even now going to BB has becoming a burden when it has once my most looking forward activity. Losing heart man! I think it’s also because of knowing that what I’ve done will not mean anything in return, it has once again discouraged me. It’s really sad if you look from a human point of view, the numbers of hours and amount of effort you put in and in the end to receive negligence from them especially those close to your heart. Tzehan ah Tzehan hahaa .. mm but there’s nothin I can do but hope that I’ve leave footprints in his life just like how Mingjing has left it in me. I remembered him more than any leaders or person that have come across my life even those been with me for so long. Gosh I miss him!

Alright. Gonna pick myself up, God You are my source, where can I go from Your presence? I believe You to lead me through for I know it will just like the previous times. I’ll wait on You.

Sigh .. feeling so bad right at the start of the day! gosh! Terrible. First is the sickness of waking up late. I just can’t do it! And I don’t know why .. just kept sleeping. What can I do to overcome it? I’m so weak at that point of time and I’m like leaving it to my subconsience and it’s telling me to sleep alittle bit more. Gosh! How? And the second thing is the pathetic bus! Thought of taking it since it’s raining and again giving the service another chance but it failed me again. Waited like 20mins! And in the end I refused to wait anymore so I walked over to the train station. Never will I take it anymore and no more chance given! That’s it! Lousy service.

Ah! *speaking in tongues* Ok, I don’t wanna be affected. Gonna start the day right! Hhuuu .. ok, today’s the day that the Lord has made I’ll rejoice and be glad in it! If God is for me who can be against me! Who can command things to happen unless God has given permission for it! I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me! This is my God! Day and night I’ll remembered of all Your goodness, I’ll sing of Your praise and worship You. You remembered me in my weaknesses. Though I’m surrounded with troubles, You will protect me. When I’m overwhelmed, You alone know the way I should turn. I trust in You.

Gonna be a long day but I know it’s gonna be great! I’ll overcome the laziness of waking up or the sickness or whatever you call it in the name of Jesus!! Yes! Woohoo!!! ^^

Wow! Came to think about it, my life has been wonderfully colorful ever since I’m out of camp, entering into ReadySpace and BB 43rd. Life has been challenging but that’s the fun part of it, hahaa. Able to see myself grow into being a greater blessing to my cicle of influences. It’s such a tremendous blessing to be a blessing and my joyous time is seeing the smiles from my boys. They are just so sweet and adorable. Of course at times I need to tolerate their playfulness but without it, it wouldn’t be who they are already.

Life has been really busy. It’s like day and night with endless appointments which I love it! Hahaa. I feel productive and fruitful in my time and of course this means endless nights of working late. I think this is the season of another stretching to greater capacity. And I’m so looking forward for a much greater works ^^

Thank God for all the possibilities that happened, indeed, with God all things are possible! The open doors at work, able to come out with strategies and creative artworks and for building up 43rd, making the precision drill possible! That’s the most awesome thing! Praise God! Also seeing boys rising up to leadership responsibilities, giving their sacrificial time to make things possible, wow I’m really blown away.

Thank God for strength! With Him I wouldn’t have made it this far, always staying up late to work and waking early for work. It’s tiring but the joy of the Lord is my strength and thank God for the joy that’s set before me and looking up to Jesus I run this race! Amazing!

Also wanna thank God for the peace, unfailing live and continual faithfulness. He has protected me in my coming in and going forth allowing me to stay healthy to do His will.

My desire is to see youths rising up to their strength, talents and gifts, at their age doing the impossible and making a
difference. Most importantly coming into the knowledge of Christ, being reconciled back to Him and find the incredible joy and love, the infilling of their inner voids, and enjoying their youth with the blessings of God. Love.

Wow .. Can’t imagine all these tasks I need to do have been slowly being accomplished. Thank God for the strength and grace to do so. They are really challenging with timelines to meet. They are robertism site and BB recruitment day preparations. It’s always this season of the year that I’d be pressing through perseveringly. This year is extremely difficult as my company is just launching and there are tons and tons of added loads. Nevertheless God is good and has been experiencing His encouragement and strength, for the joy of the Lord is my strength! Gonna press through and believing for great things to happen because I’ve believed and my faith will see me through.

robertism.com will definitely launch tomorrow and the PD team whom I’ve spent so much time on training has finally managed to complete the whole song! It’s so encouraging and I’m so proud of them. We will be able to perform in the dry run and it’s gonna be great! The other boys have placed their efforts in doing what are needed, especially Pereira and through this I’ve seen him rising up to the leadership responsibility, cool! So next week’s recruitment day I’ve the confident that it’s gonna be such a fruitful day and will surely bring such a different impression to the rest of the CCA and most importantly the newly enrolled sec1s.

My company will be officially starting tomorrow! Gonna see my life in a different light now since I’m a director already! Raise the bar man hahaa! Spreeads! Spreeads!! I’m gonna earn bucks so I can really bless my surrounding people. I just love to give, it’s in my blood I’m a gift giver, my love language! Hahaa. Praise God for all these possibilities. Woohoo! ^^

Was just pondering over the need to collect CDs for the recruitment day for BB and how much help have been received so far. God is good to provide thus far close to 800-900 CDs. Praise God!

I knew it can be done for with God nothing is impossible but quite sad
though as I visualize people contributing little by little and eventually finish the collection but where are all these people?

Two kinds of people given, those running together in this vision and those I’ve personally asked. Funny thing is sometimes I realized people do see the updates on facebook but no responds after I’ve post this need. Either they think you are not in any kind of their prority list or you are only a passer-by friend. Really gonna depend on yourself to make things happen, if it has to be, it has to be me, to go around asking and collecting. A vision bearer is not that easy after all and sometimes thinking who am I doing for? Even those I’m doing for not willing to help out, hahaa it’s just so sad.

I’d have given up if it’s really doing it for them but thankfully it’s not fully doing it for them but for the glory of God. That keeps me not giving up and I know God will not fail me. I believe in You, for all things are possible with You.

So much I hope I’ll never had the knowledge of the mistakes and weaknesses of people especially those I should have respected.

My heart really sink times and times again when the unfairness treatment of people around her. Both are sick but one was asked to pray for and the other not mentioned at all. To think about it she don’t mentioned anyone that wasn’t close to her and only mingle with those that are close to her. Hurhur .. talking about love? Sigh .. Such “sacrifices” eh? No longer seeing her mending needs and talking about sticking with our own clicks? Be an example first man.

Yeah I sounded very negative, so sorry to stumble you. Sigh letting it out, letting it out by nevertheless what is it
to me? Who am I to judge? Just bare with the it man. Really hope to have a childlike vision and thoughts which is like “no cares” kind of thing. Really felt uneasy and really pray that God would give me a breakthrough. Who else can I turn to but You? Talking to her is like talking to a wall with no feelings for me. At times just have to wait for replies and be prepare to receive none. In a way don’t really blame her I might be like that as well guess that’s life and it’s so terrible. Sigh .. just feel sad.

I guess it’s time to make some plans and do some reshuffling so to balance up my life and make every seconds count; making every moments fruitful and efficient.

Too many things in mind to work on and seems like time is short. Sigh, really wanna burst off already, they are pressing on me and I felt so much like shaking off; felt so lethargic! Ah! My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak! Seems like my flesh is not listening to me anymore and if I press in I can’t focus, flesh ah flesh …

Gonna do some reshuffling, prioritize what I need to do and pray pray pray! Gonna fight through man! Jiayou weijian!

Gosh! Hate un-communication!! It’s not even miscommunication but un-communication! Meaning to say not even taking the effort to communicate. Busy? Yeah right. If you have the heart to tell someone something you’d have. Not the first time already and I’m just getting numb. Since this is not my responsibility then how much can I do? Gonna just let go man. So many times I’m left to figure things out, a member should also be shown some degree of respect man, don’t always leave me in the dark, when you make changes to what you’ve entrusted to me. Come on! I’ve to shake away this discouragement! Why must I feel it when I’m not the one causing it?!

Sick! Ggrrr .. Honestly you ask me to appreciate her I’m really wondering what can I appreciate her of? Maybe generally yeah there are things I can but personally it has felt so distanced already that I don’t know what she has deposit in my life. Sigh ..

It often happen at this hour of time when I need to do something important and this discouragement often bring me down! Gosh! Come on! Gonna overcome, God is with me!

I love what Sharon said, “it looks like your life now is colourful eh?” I’m like yeah!! Indeed! Raise my hands and legs to agree.

Life has been awesomely colourful and it wouldn’t be happening without God. He has placed this wonderful journey infront of me, showing me His wonderful grace and unconditional love. It’s real cool stuff! Huurrr .. Very thankful to Him, I’ve never enjoyed my life like I’ve did today, even though my life is so packed with so many activities but knowing that I am fully utilizing my time and seeing its fruitfulness, wow! Praise God! ^^

I just feel so loved loving these little ones, they are like a part of my flesh and it’s such a blessing to be a blessing to others and mending their needs in which of needs I’ve been mended in church, in the house of God. This is how it all work together for the glory of God. I love seeing their smile! It never fail to melt my heart but at times when I see them upset I’d grieve for them as well and see what I can do to bless and help them. I believe that keeps me going and continue to build the company by seeing all these needs and desires of them. It’s just great!

Lord, it’s wonderful, amazing and awesome journey and adventure with You. If all the other years were a preparation for this, it all mean so worth it and even if I’d leave one day and take nothing with me, I’d still think that it’s all worth it. Those memories will always be remembered, love you boys.