Hello Blog .. hahaa, I’m so sorry for the title but it’s true. Often when I’m going through disappointments, I’d always think of expressing them out here, pardon me. It’s like a rubbish dump for all my complains. Good thing, don’t think anyone would read them, hee.
Listening to the song, “Friends are friends forever”, but how many of them we can sing it to? Why is this always like a thorn in my flesh, why are we made to be emotional beings? So much I hope that I’d not be in need of love.
Recently read a book called “Habitutes” on a topic, “Emotional Fuel”. It hit me so badly that I’ve been evaluating my lives, people I’ve connected with. Who are my models, heroes, mentors, partners, inner circle and mentees? These are the people providing my fuel. When I first taken a look, I was so affected that I was lost what to put under mentors, and many to put under mentees and inner circle of whom are all the youths.
The book also says about the purpose of leading .. is it to use them for our fulfillment? I think at times I did. Used them to fill my need, one that will never fulfill in this life time and fantasizing it to happen by using replacements. That’s denial and temporary I think. A thorn in my flesh. How can I overcome it? Where is my manasseh? I don’t know.
My fuel is running empty now. It’s causing me to stop and be bombarded with questions, “why am I sacrificing myself for a batch of people not related to me and would simply turn and forget who am I? What did I get in return? Yes, they do encouraged me at times, but so? They only encouraged me to provide for them but will they when I need providence?” I know they can’t, I’ve no mentors, physical ones. I depend on God and most of the time it’s the hardest thing when I’m directed away from God, when I did something wrong and felt the guilt. That’s when the connection is interrupted and I got no one to draw from. Life is a big pause now. Stressed over finding a job, over coming out with plans for that bunch of youths, most of the time taking it from granted, over my future .. my teaching career. I’m kinda like a lost driver now. Hahaa, any streetdirectory to help? Sigh ….
I’ve enough dumping already, thanks …
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