Hello Blog .. hahaa, I’m so sorry for the title but it’s true. Often when I’m going through disappointments, I’d always think of expressing them out here, pardon me. It’s like a rubbish dump for all my complains. Good thing, don’t think anyone would read them, hee.

Listening to the song, “Friends are friends forever”, but how many of them we can sing it to? Why is this always like a thorn in my flesh, why are we made to be emotional beings? So much I hope that I’d not be in need of love.

Recently read a book called “Habitutes” on a topic, “Emotional Fuel”. It hit me so badly that I’ve been evaluating my lives, people I’ve connected with. Who are my models, heroes, mentors, partners, inner circle and mentees? These are the people providing my fuel. When I first taken a look, I was so affected that I was lost what to put under mentors, and many to put under mentees and inner circle of whom are all the youths.

The book also says about the purpose of leading .. is it to use them for our fulfillment? I think at times I did. Used them to fill my need, one that will never fulfill in this life time and fantasizing it to happen by using replacements. That’s denial and temporary I think. A thorn in my flesh. How can I overcome it? Where is my manasseh? I don’t know.

My fuel is running empty now. It’s causing me to stop and be bombarded with questions, “why am I sacrificing myself for a batch of people not related to me and would simply turn and forget who am I? What did I get in return? Yes, they do encouraged me at times, but so? They only encouraged me to provide for them but will they when I need providence?” I know they can’t, I’ve no mentors, physical ones. I depend on God and most of the time it’s the hardest thing when I’m directed away from God, when I did something wrong and felt the guilt. That’s when the connection is interrupted and I got no one to draw from. Life is a big pause now. Stressed over finding a job, over coming out with plans for that bunch of youths, most of the time taking it from granted, over my future .. my teaching career. I’m kinda like a lost driver now. Hahaa, any streetdirectory to help? Sigh ….

I’ve enough dumping already, thanks …

“I’m staying alert and in top condition. I’m not gonna get caught napping, telling others all about it and missing it out myself” 1Cor 9:27

Another version says, “… not one who beats the air.” Are we at our top condition; at our best for the best? In all things I do, to my best ability, I wanna give my best despite discouragement. The most important principle is, “never give up!” Anyway, this is not what I wanna touch on.

Have you ever missed out something you preached to others and someone would call you ‘hyprocrite’? Well I have and I was hurt and felt ashamed. I think it is a big word to use but it isn’t wrong, that’s the defination. We told others what should be done but we ourselves are missing the results of what was said. Words don’t justify who we are, our actions will tell it all. We should always teach others what is right to do and want the best out of them but effective teaching is more than mere talking, it’s about being an example (to what you preached).

If you have realized, little effort is needed when we hear, see and follow but much effort is needed when we hear, find our own ways and doing it. That’s what actually determine a leader and a follower.

Like Paul who says in 1Cor 9:27, all of us HAVE the potential to miss out what we tell others. We failed to live out what we said but let’s be encouraged, it’s not the end of it IF you don’t give up trying. Don’t be one who beats the air. If you’ve said it, (mean it) do it and don’t miss it!

不知道会发生什么事，前面的路程有点模糊。

Quite thankful, to think about it.

First of all, really had such an awesome message last week in church. Pastor really speak my hear out and was really comforted. Didn’t know that God would do it this way .. I was blown away. Slowly and surely picking myself up, it was the most terrible season though, everything that was suppressed surfaced and really exploded. Guess it’s right to have a good clean up, refreshed myself and take some rest before moving on again.

To think back really thankful for the friends around me, although all don’t know what’s going on and don’t know how to react to it or simply don’t know how to express it. Very glad to have those kids (a.k.a. grandsons) around .. because usually it’s them who will melt my heart. One of them, when we met up, actually bug me to tell him what happened, shake me, poke me and just showing his care. Of course, I don’t know how to tell him and honestly no point also. Therefore, I smiled and in a way ignored him .. to think back I’m quite disappointing with what I’ve done and I do hope he understands me. Will of course explain to him soon. It’s really because of what he did that some how encouraged me alittle. I felt a sense of importance at least to a person and the world isn’t that lonely after all; felt loved actually.

Then I have this cute little grandson who I think don’t know how to express his encouragement, try to show me video to cheer me up and while on the journey back from service we talked .. we have to you see because there’s only him and me although I really don’t feel like. Anyway. I asked about his week and as usual not that good and he goes on to tell me what about it then later his turn to ask me so I’m like “wow .. ok.” So I told him not that good, blah blah .. so he encouraged me by saying, “hope to see you better next week.” simple but I know it’s not easy for age like them to actually care for someone so I really appreciated. It’s also him who actually cared and asked about me behind my back (heard from his “mum”). So after all, quite blessed.

Actually for me, it’s really the presence of someone that’s mean to me. It’s not about the bugging that I felt love but his presence .. maybe that’s why my love language is quality time and not word of affirmation. It reminds me of this video and the words he speak, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_3UI–v_xY&feature=related, he said that sometimes we don’t need to have the answers but just love them like Jesus, just be there together with him and sometimes don’t even have to speak a word. I’ve experienced this, I’m thankful.

To think about it, quite saddening to see more mature Christians forgotten about this kind of child-like love. They thought leaving me alone or giving me verbal companion is encouragement to me and something I need. Nevertheless, I’m still thankful for them though, at least they still care for me but those who stand by me physically mean alot more to me (although they don’t know what happen). Maybe this is not some ikan bilis relationship but maybe I’ve been sowing into them .. relationship is 2 sided, I’m gonna cherish this kind of relationship.

But of course the most important Person, Jesus. How can I fail to see Your mercy and grace? Your faithfulness and unconditional love? You gave me hope when I felt like there’s nothing much I think this world would give. You shown me those people that cares for me at least to make my living in this world loving and enjoying. You gave me this song and it meant every single word to You and Your words to me,

Hillsong - Take All Of Me
You broke the night like the sun
And healed my heart with Your great love
Any trouble I couldn’t bear
You lifted me upon Your shoulders

I love You so
And I give up my heart to say
I need You so
My everything

Thank You Lord for Your love and blessing me through these 2 little brothers.

Love.

Blog ah blog .. I’m here again .. no one to really speak to. Feel that it’s so SO bloody saddening .. living. We are so imperfect and seeing more of the world (us) it makes me sick .. Meaningless beyond meaningless, nothing to describe ..

If all this is about trusting and having faith I guess I’ve failed .. because I feel like withdrawing from them .. I’ve given all in exchange of more sorrows and hurt and doubts .. thinking what have I done to deserve all this in return? After working so hard of ‘being a light’ all I got is more burden and worries. Can’t deny I have my fair share of joy .. I feel even those not ‘being a light’ receive as well ..

I guess I’ve cared too much about others to neglect myself .. I’m tempted to be selfish and I think I wanna care for myself more. When I’m in lack who knows? But when they are in lack I know .. and often convicted to bless them .. great .. so much of being a blessing ..

Yeah .. whatever .. “just another season?” it always have such seasons .. I really don’t know what to do .. I’m just sick of everything .. so sick I hope there’s a pause button ……..

Gosh! hahaa .. sick beyond sickness .. thinking about all the chasing wind. Meaningless! No wonder as what written in the bible, unless we enjoy ourselves in what we do, everything is meaningless.

I asked myself again, what is all these working hard, caring and worrying about others for? What I get in return? All the business is my rewards? Rushing for deadlines and having endless nights and no sleep what I get for “trying to help”? What is all these for? They don’t even care for themselves, what is it to me to worry and plan and think and do all sorts of things for them, it’s sick!

I should have spend more time on myself, on my work, on my family .. who are they for me to spend my time on when they don’t even think and care for me. When they need my help they come to me, fine .. should I do that as well?

Lord, why would you place this burden upon my life? I’m growing lethargic now, my mind’s not clear to think and put on the armor of God … I’m really exhausted. Work has been a burden, BB has been a burden, CG has been a burden, family is nowhere better off … is there a place where I need not care and worry about? A place where someone would tell me what to do, effortlessly I just need to follow?

Aahhhh!! SICK! Meaningless ….