Being an inspiration, impacting and influencing others (especially the youths) has been my desire but times and times again I have to face reality, which often is so saddening. It’s never easy unless you are doing it in your comfort zone which in most cases, that’s not inspiring to start with.

First of all, there’s definitely sacrifices to be made .. for me was the friendship I have to sacrifice. Being among the youths has pull me away from my own age group friends and usually I would felt left out. We are definitely the one giving when it comes to being with the youths and they will not come to you, needless to say giving anything to you. On top of that, you are pulled away from your friends in your age group and definitely we wouldn’t be close any more so needless to say they wouldn’t give you anything as well.

It’s saddening to feel battling alone this race of reconciliation and I’m sick of verbal companions, as if it helps .. been through a tough season and knowing that we human beings are bunch of selfish people who cares for themselves first. I’ve left with nothing that I know who are the closest to me and would help in times of need, whom I’ve neglected while trying to be a blessing. That person is my mum .. the one always supporting me and would sacrifice anything for me.

Have really been thinking alot recently .. and I’ve lost my senses and judgement and have been insensitive to the Holy Spirit. The reality has affected me so much that I’ve lost the faith I have. What can I do when the reality shows that I’ve been failed again and again, where is Him and how long more shall I bare? Will it come to pass?So far no .. in terms of finances and friends. Have I been teachable? Maybe not .. maybe this is why I’m “resetting” now.

I’ve stop trusting anyone but my mum though .. have tried too hard being an ambassador for God trying to reconcile them back to Him. Really tired of intervene for them and always thinking and planning for them. Whether they wanna come, what they wanna do, I don’t care now. They have their deal responsibilities .. I have given my best for them in return of putting the rest of my best in struggling in my life I don’t think it works this way. I wanna be responsible to my life first just like some leaders who neglect being with their followers and care for themselves first. As followers, sometimes we work and stand in the gap for them .. how silly. Feel so sad when people make use of fellow brothers and sisters in Christ just because we understand the Word. First as a leader you should be the example before discipling us.

Need some time to get back up .. I always remember the prayer I’ve made, “one thing I ask, that I’ll never leave the house of God.” You know I love You through the cares I have for them but give me some time .. forgive my debts as I forgive my debtors, Lord ..

Blog ah blog .. thanks for being company every time I feel down :) Don’t know why also I’d always like to blog things that are not so good. Hahaa! Ah, maybe I just wanna relieve myself, like destressing you know; complain it out :)

Anyway, time’s bad. Past few days have been horrible. Feeling really discouraged and tired, don’t feel like doing anything. Everything seems to stop, every area seems to slow down and not moving forward. Is it so requiring of me or have I elevate myself trying to push things to happen? I started to doubt and ask myself, have I tried too hard? Have I neglected myself? I find it difficult to accept at times when others are enjoying and I’m trying so hard to make things happen. Yes! It is, “what is it to me I follow You right?” I don’t know, I still a human after all and I’ve been holding on to my best know if not I wouldn’t have come this far.

Everything’s falling apart again .. actually I’ve kind of regreted to start Spreeads when I know that I don’t have this capacity now to contain. It’s so hard on me, I just can’t breakthrough not just in mindset but .. I don’t know. it seems like I don’t really enjoy doing what I’m doing now. Frustrating, indeed. Even now going to BB has becoming a burden when it has once my most looking forward activity. Losing heart man! I think it’s also because of knowing that what I’ve done will not mean anything in return, it has once again discouraged me. It’s really sad if you look from a human point of view, the numbers of hours and amount of effort you put in and in the end to receive negligence from them especially those close to your heart. Tzehan ah Tzehan hahaa .. mm but there’s nothin I can do but hope that I’ve leave footprints in his life just like how Mingjing has left it in me. I remembered him more than any leaders or person that have come across my life even those been with me for so long. Gosh I miss him!

Alright. Gonna pick myself up, God You are my source, where can I go from Your presence? I believe You to lead me through for I know it will just like the previous times. I’ll wait on You.

Sigh .. feeling so bad right at the start of the day! gosh! Terrible. First is the sickness of waking up late. I just can’t do it! And I don’t know why .. just kept sleeping. What can I do to overcome it? I’m so weak at that point of time and I’m like leaving it to my subconsience and it’s telling me to sleep alittle bit more. Gosh! How? And the second thing is the pathetic bus! Thought of taking it since it’s raining and again giving the service another chance but it failed me again. Waited like 20mins! And in the end I refused to wait anymore so I walked over to the train station. Never will I take it anymore and no more chance given! That’s it! Lousy service.

Ah! *speaking in tongues* Ok, I don’t wanna be affected. Gonna start the day right! Hhuuu .. ok, today’s the day that the Lord has made I’ll rejoice and be glad in it! If God is for me who can be against me! Who can command things to happen unless God has given permission for it! I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me! This is my God! Day and night I’ll remembered of all Your goodness, I’ll sing of Your praise and worship You. You remembered me in my weaknesses. Though I’m surrounded with troubles, You will protect me. When I’m overwhelmed, You alone know the way I should turn. I trust in You.

Gonna be a long day but I know it’s gonna be great! I’ll overcome the laziness of waking up or the sickness or whatever you call it in the name of Jesus!! Yes! Woohoo!!! ^^

Wow! Came to think about it, my life has been wonderfully colorful ever since I’m out of camp, entering into ReadySpace and BB 43rd. Life has been challenging but that’s the fun part of it, hahaa. Able to see myself grow into being a greater blessing to my cicle of influences. It’s such a tremendous blessing to be a blessing and my joyous time is seeing the smiles from my boys. They are just so sweet and adorable. Of course at times I need to tolerate their playfulness but without it, it wouldn’t be who they are already.

Life has been really busy. It’s like day and night with endless appointments which I love it! Hahaa. I feel productive and fruitful in my time and of course this means endless nights of working late. I think this is the season of another stretching to greater capacity. And I’m so looking forward for a much greater works ^^

Thank God for all the possibilities that happened, indeed, with God all things are possible! The open doors at work, able to come out with strategies and creative artworks and for building up 43rd, making the precision drill possible! That’s the most awesome thing! Praise God! Also seeing boys rising up to leadership responsibilities, giving their sacrificial time to make things possible, wow I’m really blown away.

Thank God for strength! With Him I wouldn’t have made it this far, always staying up late to work and waking early for work. It’s tiring but the joy of the Lord is my strength and thank God for the joy that’s set before me and looking up to Jesus I run this race! Amazing!

Also wanna thank God for the peace, unfailing live and continual faithfulness. He has protected me in my coming in and going forth allowing me to stay healthy to do His will.

My desire is to see youths rising up to their strength, talents and gifts, at their age doing the impossible and making a
difference. Most importantly coming into the knowledge of Christ, being reconciled back to Him and find the incredible joy and love, the infilling of their inner voids, and enjoying their youth with the blessings of God. Love.